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Text Post Thu, Sep. 01, 2011 81 notes

Everyone thinks you’re a bitch.

Dear Girl, it was never my intention to make you look like the wicked witch of the west. It was never my intention to make your carry the force of this on you.  I defended you but I guess I never truly told anyone why I was defending you.

I guess partially the reason was because I was in denial. The truth is when you broke up with me. It shattered me, it cut me so deep inside of my heart. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced. People say the first love is the worst, but this one was damn right brutal.

Originally though I let you go, I let you go hoping you would come back. But while letting you go, I guess that didn’t apply to me texting you.  You wanted the space and I just couldn’t give it to you. Then you made up your mind that you couldn’t take it anymore. You tried to let me know that we were having problems from March on and I ignored it. I thought that they would just get better. We both have a part to play in this but I will admit my flaws. I was immature, I was selfish, I was stubborn, and I tried to be controlling. I look back on that guy and I can’t believe that was me.

Shit started in March, I let you go on June  15th and you broke up with me on June 21st.  This started something that I’m not all that proud of.  You told me you wanted to be friends, I guess that’s usually code for I want you to go away but not go away mad. I was pissed off at you and got my shit from you as quick as I could. You talked me down and made everything better that night. 

I bought a book, how to get your ex back or learn to live without them. That book while it’s helpful as in a way to motivate you.. It also is somewhat a crock of bullshit… But I was determined that there was nothing that would stop me from being with you. So I decided to go into what they call no contact. You were still friends with me on Facebook but I wasn’t going to contact you. I hide everything on facebook about you. I stopped going on facebook so I didn’t have statuses.. So you couldn’t comment on them or know anything about me. I then heard one night that you were being all depressing on your facebook and I went and looked. I saw that you were depressed and I wanted nothing more than to run to you.

I showed up at your house one night at 5 am and I talked to you. Looking back it was a bit romantic but I could see why it could be considered creepy. I laid my heart out to you and you told me, that you didn’t need to be in a relationship with me or anybody right now.  That day we met up again later and I talked some more with you.

Here’s where shit went wack, I began to notice that the only way to be in your life was to be your friend. I wasn’t happy with being your friend and I knew you still cared about me. Everything in my body told me that you did, I was so stubborn and stupid that I decided I was going to keep pushing and pushing and I was gonna get you back. Now I see that by doing that I pushed you away. Everytime we were together I kept pushing, yes I’d cause you to break down and tell me how you felt.. I didn’t realize I was hurting you in doing so.

I began to believe by me breaking through to you and hearing you tell me things like you did love me.. that I was getting closer to getting you back. I began to believe that without a shadow of a doubt, I would get you back. I told anyone who would listen about my situation.. I really needed someone to talk to and some of the people I choose to, weren’t a wise choice.

Then I found out a few things, that weren’t my business but I didn’t exactly go looking for them. I asked to talk to you, and you said later. I knew you were tired, and I knew why. I didn’t care, I showed up at your house and I did what I did. Not once but twice, because I was angry and I was stupid.

I never could leave well enough alone in all of these situations. You removed yourself from my life and yes we were both in the wrong but I did deserve it.

I began to move on with my life, even though I didn’t want to. Then I got in the accident, you were the first person I wanted to call right after I thought I was gonna die. You called me after you heard and I didn’t expect it. We were friendly and you showed that you did care about me. But stupid me, I fucked it up again, I flipped out on your ass and said things that I shouldn’t have.  I apologized and then sealed that apology with a shot.

We ran into each other a few weeks later, we hadn’t talk and we were both drunk. We hit it off again and well I managed to screw it up again. Anyone see a repeating pattern here? You took me home when I was drunk, I never should of gotten into that car.. But at the same time I wanted to run my mouth and that I did for an hour in your car. Which in my drunken state I thought you overreacted.  It couldn’t be that I’m an asshole sometimes.. that was sarcasm by the way people.

Why you’ve even spoken to me after this I don’t know. I know you have a good heart and you didn’t deserve all the bullshit that came your way.  A lot of what I said was when I was hurt, in pain, and angry. The stuff I post on my tumblr, because being honest usually what I post on tumblr is when I’m depressed or angry. That’s usually the only time I write..  So everyone got to see my side of the story and you got to appear as a mega bitch that played games with me. Too be honest, you stuck to your guns, your story really didn’t change.. I lead myself on and told myself that every little thing meant something and then  got mad at you for leading me on.

But it gets better, you showed up on the night of my birthday party. Many would say you knew because your bestfriend was invited. Some would say you didn’t, I try not to listen to what people say.. You know me, but what I will admit to.. I wanted you there. When we were good, and my party was somewhere else, I invited you. When shit went sour, I changed the venue and you just happened to show up. That night I made an ass out of myself again. Yet you still showed how good a person you were by wishing me happy birthday over and over and talking to me about my Grandpa.

I was wrong, and I’m not looking to make any excuses for my actions. I’m a man and I made all of the choices, who knows what may of happened if I would of just kept my mouth shut and not acted a fool. You were a great girlfriend and you did so much for me that no one will ever know. I can never say thank you enough for all that you did and actually didn’t do for me.  You didn’t deserve to be called a bitch for moving on with your life. You didn’t deserve half of the bullshit that came out of this. Yes I also lied to you, but I wasn’t even ready to tell myself the truth at that point really. If I couldn’t tell myself, my closes friends, or family, then how was I supposed to tell you?

I’m sorry if this bothers you, if you ever read it..  It was time that I owned up to my part, since I felt the need to tell my version of your part.  I’ve always been the person not to judge some, and know there are two sides to each relationship past or present. But I can’t help but feel that I warped what was us into what I wanted it to be.  Yes you made your mistakes, so did I.. Neither of us were perfect but you didn’t deserve to be the bad guy.  I entered into the relationship with you, and you were already somebodies bad guy.  Everyone thought you were a cold calculating bitch in that situation. I didn’t believe it and I found out that it wasn’t true. Then I turned around and did the same damn thing. I don’t understand why the one who breaks it off has to be the bad guy. It shouldn’t work that way.

Ideally people should mind their own damn business.  But in this town that doesn’t happen… especially when someone’s hurt and they need to vent to whomever will listen. Just because someone will listen doesn’t mean that they won’t tell everyone.

I wish that I wouldn’t have played a part in it. I feel like I’m one of the only select few who actually knows the real you… and in saying that I know how much each one of my actions hurt you.  I did it because I knew it would. I guess we’re both guilty of it..

I think some people get involved in business that was strictly yours and mine and plays both fields. They tell us both things to try to instigate the situation.  Do I honestly think you tried to play me with all the chances you gave me? Maybe you had some ulterior motives but I think you had all the best of intentions towards me. You may not be invested in me anymore but I think you still want the best for me.

At my worst girl, at my worst.. my intentions were still pure. I hope you know that, all I really ever wanted was to make you happy. I tried everything, you wanted friendship and I was determined for it to be more. You can’t force someone into loving you just because you love them. I just want you to be happy, I still believe that I could do that for you. But at the end of the day, no matter where you end up or what happens. I just want you to be happy, you deserve so much.  You deserve for people to know the truth about you. Not a jilted truth of someone who was hurt.

You have a wonderful heart, and you tried to be a part of my life. I can’t fault you for that, perhaps I just wasn’t ready. Sometimes you don’t realize something until it’s just too late. I made a mess, but I’ve been trying to clean it up. I’ll keep trying, I caused a lot of unnecessary pain for the both of us… For that and everything I am truly sorry, I just wish you knew how much..

  1. thebatker posted this